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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Assertion


Nothing strikes fear in people like the need to assert themselves while in communication with another. In fact, most people are left floundering because they truly don't know the skill of assertion. Most times the pendulum of expressing ourselves swings to a quiet resignation or out and out aggression. There is a middle ground to be had and its time we faced this anxiety producing skill head on.

Let's first address why there are times we sit cowering in a corner, unable to share our needs or opinions. Most folks freeze when the time comes to share their thoughts or desires. Sometimes its because they truly don't know what it is the wish to convey, they just know they feel uncomfortable. No one has ever asked them what it is they need and so, very few of us are skilled at identifying that for ourselves as we mature.

The freeze response is also supported by our society as a whole because we are often fed the propaganda that to have a desire that flies in the face of others is "selfish"; whereas the role of martyr and denying yourself, is heralded. Selfish has become a dirty word in our world, implying that anyone that has a degree of selfishness is comparable to a slithering, no-good snake. No one wants to be perceived in such a loathsome fashion and so thoughts and feelings are bottled up, the rumination of those thoughts and feelings leading to an explosive fermentation.

That's when the pendulum swings full force into aggression. The invalidated workings of our internal world can be contained no more and so they are let loose onto others, leaving a trail of destruction behind them and confirming that self expression is only for the troubled few.

So, what is the middle ground and how do we get there?

Let's discuss the term selfish. Indeed, there is a form of selfishness that one might consider undesirable. We've all seen it in action, felt its repercussions and have no doubt acted it out ourselves. This level of selfishness is performed with the complete exclusion of consideration of, or for, others. There is no room for empathy in this degree of selfishness.

The healthy version of being selfish takes into account how our actions might impact others, perhaps even clearly sharing our understanding of this. It is the intention behind this form of selfishness that sets it apart. It's not conveying an air of, "This is what I need and I don't care what you think." Instead it speaks volumes by saying " I understand that this might be uncomfortable for you and others, but this is what I need to take care of myself." It's about setting healthy boundaries and limits, not cutting someone off at the knees.

If we are able to take this first step, then we have made great accomplishments in preventing a nuclear explosion from our resentments. Things aren't allowed to fester but instead given a form of release. If and when we do experience anger, it is a very normal human emotion, then there are also assertive ways to articulate that without verbally assaulting another.

A very key step to assertively voicing our anger is to keep your mouth shut, at least momentarily until the rational part of our brain is able to participate. That's not to say you walk away in a cold silence, but instead assertively state, "I am too mad to talk right now. I will get back to you when I am calmer." That's when you exit and proceed to take an internal inventory.

Ask yourself, "What do I need?" Perhaps you need to feel appreciated. What does that look like to you? Is it something the other person says or can demonstrate? When you have some clarity it is then safe to return to your interaction to articulate what you've discovered.

It is always wise when having these types of discussions to use "I" statements. In communicating with another saying, "I felt (feeling) when or because..." and "I need..." is about taking ownership for your experience and is not part of the blame game. You know what that sounds like, it starts out with the phrase, "You made me feel..." and is about attacking and accusations. Also note, feelings are one word. Disappointed, sad or hurt are examples of emotions. Stating, "I feel that you..." and then continuing with a stream of words is not sharing our feeling but is instead conveying a thought.

Being assertive is not , I repeat not, about getting others to agree with us or approve of what we are sharing. The truth is they may very well disagree with us and not even understand it all . The goal in assertion is to respectfully share what is going on for you internally, that's all. You're simply honoring yourself, all the while realizing that the other person has their own desires and right to assertion as well.

While the skill of assertiveness take concerted effort, as it is a skill never demonstrated to many of us, the rewards that are reaped far out weigh the time it takes to hone its use. Assertiveness is an act of self love, compassion and respect - all of which you deserve.

Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account to read & follow this blog in the future. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)


Friday, January 15, 2016

Practice Makes Imperfect


After my blogs have been posted each week I go onto my website to give them a once over. In a few instances I've noticed errors in the text. I instantly get a clenching in my gut because it's not perfect, and it's there for all to see. My impulse is to dash back into the writings and rectify the flaws glaring in my work.

It's not that I made no effort prior to their posting to present them as shiny, new baubles. I read and re-read and proofread some more. I called in the assistance of the computer's technology to capture any of the scandalous flubs that slithered past my critical eye. The next day, I repeated the same systems check. I wanted my offerings to dazzle with perfection.

Come to find out, they were lacking some razzle to go with that dazzle. I wasn't perfect, nor were the steps I had put in place to contain the errant rebels that littered my writings, commonly know as mistakes. Oh, the frustration. "What to do?" I asked myself. The answer that came to me was shocking; let them stand.

"Why?" I wondered. Quite simple really, it demonstrates to others that I'm not the ever elusive "perfect" and perhaps that will give them permission to accept the same within themselves. That's not to say that we shouldn't make efforts to present our best, but when our end product sometimes falls short of our vision we can accept that imperfections are part of everyone's process each and every day. I've never met another that hasn't made a mistake, I'm confident in saying neither have you. How arrogant of us to believe that somehow we are an exception to that rule. How cruel we are to ourselves, judging and criticizing as we make attempts to deny what seems to be a universal truth, we all make mistakes.

Is there ever a time to attempt to correct our errors? Certainly, most especially if we've caused harm to another. In those instances we must make amends as best we can, the mistake has already been made, and set clear intentions to not repeat the same offense.

But if the inherent message or intention is intact, as in the case of my writings, why go back to correct a detail that has no consequence? To prove you're perfect? Well, we already know you're not; the secrets out. Even though there were some minor goofs in my previous blogs, it in no way affected what I was trying to get across to my readers. And so, I'm choosing to let them remain as is. Now you know I'm not perfect either, we're even.

What mistakes have you made that you are willing to let see the light of day, no longer cloaked in secrecy or shame? Perhaps you can allow them to exist as just that, a mistake, not a value statement that you're a mistake or somehow less than. Mistakes are something we do, not who we are. Our blunders are not meant for flogging or berating oneself. In this world in which we operate mistakes are some of our greatest teachers, guiding us into new lands of opportunities, growth and discoveries. And that, my friends, is true perfection.

Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account in order to follow and read this blog. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)


Monday, January 11, 2016

Pull Don’t Push


I’d like a show of hands, does anybody else besides me have fears, uncomfortable feelings or limiting beliefs? Just as I suspected, you’re all just as human as me. And if that is the case, you most likely run from or try to stymie the voice of those little buggers. The goal? Avoidance, and if we’re really lucky, temporary amnesia that they even have a designated space in our mind.

So we swat at and shove away those parts of us that prevent us from living our dream or full potential. “Don’t give them power!” we are instructed. They only way we can imagine to do so is to shove ‘em all off the cliffs of our conscious awareness. Push them away, until they can’t find their way home. But they always do, don’t they? It may take seconds or even months but inevitably they come to tap us on the shoulder once more and like Jack Nicholson in The Shining proclaim, “I’m baacck.”  In another vain attempt, we kick them to the curb and give our death stare as we shout, “Outta my way!” Round and round we go.

How can I unload these suckers, we wonder. I’m trying to ignore them. I’ve pushed them to the side, yet they continue to worm their way back into my heart and psyche. Might I suggest another approach is in order? It seems on logical as the old way hasn’t met with much success. I know it might rattle a few cages out there, but perhaps we should be pulling our personal nuisances towards us for a warm embrace or friendly 1:1.

I only suggest this seemingly farfetched approach because I’ve been the guinea pig already and I’m here to tell you that it works. It is quite the simple and handy little tool for efforts at personal growth and compassion.

The How-to:
- Identify whatever thought, emotion or unhealthy personal mantra is plaguing you.
-Now imagine how said issue(s) would manifest in physical form. It might take on the shape of a person, yourself or someone else, or it might just be a shape or color. It may appear as another creature, animal or physical object. Whatever it is that comes to you is just fine, there is no hard and fast rule here.
-Next, observe what the newly revealed vision needs and address that need. Does it need a hug, acceptance, kindness or a compassionate listening ear? Does it simply want to be seen and/or what does it want to say to you or teach you? Can you take a moment, it doesn’t need to be hours, to say, “I see you. I hear you. I feel you and I care.” This isn’t about holding onto, but kindly holding.

-Repeat as necessary.

Ta, dah, you’re done.

You’re not left breathless from your latest sprint from the demons that reside within. What you are left with is a greater calm and a discovery that all those icky things were not as scary as you’d imagined and that you possess the skills to care for yourself. This, my friends is one of the many ways to take your power back from the chaos. You may find that some require further explorations but this is a much more mindful and loving approach to all parts that are you.

Give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose but stress, and let me know how you make out.


Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account in order to read & follow this blog. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)


Pull Don’t Push

I’d like a show of hands, does anybody else besides me have fears, uncomfortable feelings or limiting beliefs? Just as I suspected, you’re all just as human as me. And if that is the case, you most likely run from or try to stymie the voice of those little buggers. The goal? Avoidance, and if we’re really lucky, temporary amnesia that they even have a designated space in our mind.

So we swat at and shove away those parts of us that prevent us from living our dream or full potential. “Don’t give them power!” we are instructed. They only way we can imagine to do so is to shove ‘em all off the cliffs of our conscious awareness. Push them away, until they can’t find their way home. But they always do, don’t they? It may take seconds or even months but inevitably they come to tap us on the shoulder once more and like Jack Nicholson in The Shining proclaim, “I’m baacck.”  In another vain attempt, we kick them to the curb and give our death stare as we shout, “Outta my way!” Round and round we go.

How can I unload these suckers, we wonder. I’m trying to ignore them. I’ve pushed them to the side, yet they continue to worm their way back into my heart and psyche. Might I suggest another approach is in order? It seems on logical as the old way hasn’t met with much success. I know it might rattle a few cages out there, but perhaps we should be pulling our personal nuisances towards us for a warm embrace or friendly 1:1.

I only suggest this seemingly farfetched approach because I’ve been the guinea pig already and I’m here to tell you that it works. It is quite the simple and handy little tool for efforts at personal growth and compassion.

The How-to:
- Identify whatever thought, emotion or unhealthy personal mantra is plaguing you.
-Now imagine how said issue(s) would manifest in physical form. It might take on the shape of a person, yourself or someone else, or it might just be a shape or color. It may appear as another creature, animal or physical object. Whatever it is that comes to you is just fine, there is no hard and fast rule here.
-Next, observe what the newly revealed vision needs and address that need. Does it need a hug, acceptance, kindness or a compassionate listening ear? Does it simply want to be seen and/or what does it want to say to you or teach you? Can you take a moment, it doesn’t need to be hours, to say, “I see you. I hear you. I feel you and I care.”

-Repeat as necessary.

Ta, dah, you’re done.

You’re not left breathless from your latest sprint from the demons that reside within. What you are left with is a greater calm and a discovery that all those icky things were not as scary as you’d imagined and that you possess the skills to care for yourself. This, my friends is one of the many ways to take your power back from the chaos. You may find that some require further explorations but this is a much more mindful and loving approach to all parts that are you.

Give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose but stress, and let me know how you make out.

Be well and happy.




Thursday, January 7, 2016

The Plan: Stop Planning


Any time we embark on a new adventure we hear the words, "What's your plan? You gotta have a plan." Or do you? Shocking, isn't it, to think that maybe you don't have to have a schematic outline for every step you're about to take in your newest endeavors? Blasphemy to some, I know.

What I'm suggesting is that you have an idea. Yep, that's it. I know you have one, we all do. Shift your focus to that idea and imagine its most grand outcome, your dreams come true. Explore how that will feel, how your spirit will soar. Imagine what you will wear and the words that will flow effortlessly as you speak. Hold the vision of yourself as a brilliant being as you live out a portion of your life's path and purpose. Do you feel alive? Are you excited to begin? Then let's.

Find one thing you can do today, or within the next week, that might be one small step towards the dream you just envisioned. A step is all you need to have in mind, not the entire path. When we focus all our energies on devising the perfect plan we often remain impotent, frustration and anxiety taking the wheel because we don't have all the answers as to how we can bring our imaginings to fruition.

The truth is, there's no way we can foresee the entire path that lay before us as we pursue a goal or dream, but that's what most individuals attempt to create. Why? Because we feel safer in the known as compared to the perceived, scary unknown. We are fooling ourselves. As I stated just a few sentences back, there's no way we can know everything that is about to transpire so most things are unknown to us; it's just a mental game we play with ourselves in order to feel less vulnerable and safer.

That first step, and every one thereafter, can be as tiny as you want or need them to be. The key is action, even in its most imperceptible form. Momentum will begin to build as we bravely take one step and then another, it can be no other way. The universe will respond as it willing does our bidding for us, wanting nothing more than that which we seek for ourselves.

You may not even believe you 'can do it'. The goal initially isn't to challenge those belief systems that keep you immobile, but to act despite them. Allow creativity to blossom as at first you perhaps try this and then that. Either will lead you to a new place of being, and it is there that you can now make a new and more informed decision as to the next move. The next move will take you to the next move...you get it. See, no plan. Just a willingness to move forward.

Take a moment or two to examine the steps you've taken thus far, pondering how each one played out. What did you learn or realize that was not in you awareness prior to that step? If you're learning and growing from your actions, then you will be guided by clearer intentions on how next to proceed. That is called progress. Progress need not be a grand fireworks display, perhaps you're simply waving about sparklers most days.

I leave you with the wise words from a children's Christmas television show, Santa Claus is Comin' to Town. The song may be familiar to many, Put One Foot in Front of the Other. I invite you to watch the video on YouTube for some child-like inspiration. Go ahead, be crazy; that just might be Step #1. Below I've listed a portion of the lyrics that say so simply what it is I've been sharing with you.

"Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking out the door."

-Jules Bass

Get to steppin'.....

Be well and happy.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Live and Let Live

So the holiday festivities are behind us but what lies ahead are mysteries to discover. I love a good detective hunt. In fact, it was in the midst of my celebrations that I stumbled upon the clues of an unintentional gift or two.

My family and I were gathering with the one, yes I said one, family member I remain in contact with today. I was listening to the tales of their life and the comings and goings of their average day. While it was a different year than the one before, their story was the same.

I listened to the litany of self-sacrificial actions they took on a daily basis, many times over. I heard yet again the ways in which they were not supported by the same exact people as every other year that had passed. You see, I normally only offer a listening ear because the unspoken rule that was established oh so long ago by this person was: Do not offer any suggestions or criticisms of myself or the significant others in my life because I will only, and always, defend them and myself.

And I followed that rule for many a year, until this most recent interaction. I just, well, I just couldn’t take the absurdity of what was falling out of their mouth anymore and I jumped at the chance to shine a spotlight on its ludicrous nature. For their part, they played the same role and only offered multiple justifications for everything and everyone. In an unconscious fashion I was being told they were still playing by the old rules.

I was a bit exasperated to see them treat themselves so poorly and permit others to follow suit. I know how their story started, mine was written on the same pages, so I had great clarity and compassion as to the hows and whys of their choices. But over a quarter of a decade ago I began writing a new story, and the chapters that followed for me were a far cry from our original plot; for them, it was to be more of the same old same old. Clearly they liked the script they were handed.

How do I know this? Because for the last 36 years they have made the same exact choices a million times over. They face financial ruin for the second time, unemployment is scheduled to come around in March, they complain about their stress, fatigue and lack of support as they work three jobs and face a life threatening illness. But none of that, which has slowly manifested over those 36 years, matters because actions speak louder than words. They can say whatever they like, but their actions are telling me they are quite content with where they stand.

I wanted to beat my head, and their head, against the wall and say, “Stop doing this to yourself!” I understand the premise of their actions: I am not lovable, being a martyr makes me feel important and I’ll put up with all the shit because something is better than nothing. But all I could think about was my sadness at watching their demise and what I saw to be the looming of an unhappy ending.

I needed to re-group.

I could only lead by example, and clearly they were not interested in a game of follow the leader. Our moment together was offering each of us a gift. They appeared to be content playing with the same cardboard box year after year, but I was ready to rip open my newest present.

The first thing I discovered was a question: If I cannot make them see their worthiness, what can I do? Currently they are legally blind and sporting blinders which means as things stand, I need to be the one to hold the vision of them as deserving and lovable. My head banging impulses were only sourced from my own powerlessness and judgment and sounded something like, “You’re a dumbass.” That energy is not supportive nor is it telling them, “You are lovable.”

With that understanding I took a step back, and down, and held a picture of them in my mind’s eye as spectacular and glorious. It felt calming, centering and truthful(l) to hold that anchor for them.

That’s pretty good, right? I mean I was trying to learn something out of the whole mess. But…it was short-lived because soon there was this tugging going on inside of me. It felt like a bulldog had seized onto one of my thoughts and wouldn’t let go until I paid attention. Flustered, I paused to listen and heard, “But I still want them to change!”

Oh fuck, now what? Well, hidden at the very bottom of my gift box lie another unwrapped treasure and question: Why am I so invested in them changing? After all, everything that is or is not going on in their world has absolutely no impact on mine. None.

I would like to tell you that the simple answer was, “Because I love them.” While I do indeed love them and suffer a twinge of heartache from their pain, my motivation seems to be a bit selfish as well.

When I first glimpsed that realization, I tried to quickly wrap that sucker back up and I looked over both shoulders to see if anyone else had noticed. But it was too late, I already saw the answer to the question. Now, I’m going to tell you what I discovered but I would prefer we keep it just between you and me because I don’t necessarily take pride in admitting this truth.

What was keeping me so anchored in my need for them to change was…my desire to be right. I already told you that we shared a significant past and that in time our paths diverged from one another. When I made the choices I did, I took on the role as odd man out. I stood alone and still do to this day. I do not regret those choices but what I was discovering was that my ego was still addicted to the thought of someone, at least this one relative, coming back to me with, “You were right, Kellie.” That felt like it would be the sweetest victory. Unfortunately, what was music to my ego’s ears was certainly not the most altruistic approach to the matter.

So now what?

We’re back to the title of this long, rambling tale (I thank you for hanging in there.) - live and let live. That was the next truth I heard echoing in the caverns of my mind. It was also the motto I used all those years ago when I went down another path, reminding myself that I needed no one’s permission for the steps I took. I didn’t need their approval then, nor do I today. My actions were indeed right, right for me, and I needed to send a memo to my ego to remind it of just that.  

If that was true for me then, it is definitely fitting now for my relative as well. They are free to make their own choices and live those consequences. What I needed to be wasn’t ‘right’, but accepting. That is always an aspiration of mine as I trek this human trail, and one that I most likely shall never master.

Mastery or not, it is a worthy goal. Live and let live, it gives us permission to be who we are and gracefully permits others the same.

Be well and happy.