Every person you encounter in your day and throughout your life has known some form of hurt inflicted by another. Of course there's a wide range and depth to the pain, but pain is painful no matter the degree or source. It seems an apology from the "inflicter" is a soothing balm to the wound, somehow lessening its intensity and hold over us. But what about the times that we receive no apology, where does that leave us and our suffering? It leaves us with a challenge.
What is the first thing most of us do in our efforts to receive and apology? We go on a mission to convince the other person the err of their ways. Our logic goes that if we only lay the facts our before them it will become blatantly obvious to them that an apology is in order. This can go on for years, a lifetime in fact, as we engage again and again our efforts to convince the person to see matters through our lens. We soon begin to make a laundry list of all the offenses that they seem to be responsible for imparting, each one adding fuel to the outrage, frustration and damage to the other.
When we are met with denials and clear disregard for our feelings by the perpetrator we seek others as a sounding board, just to be sure that the offender is indeed in the wrong and as a means of validating our sanity. Armed with a new confidence installed from an outsider's perspective we return once again to the individual in question, with what we believe to be a solid and clear argument in our defense of their offense. Again we leave empty handed, except for the strong desire to take the person by the shoulders and shake some semblance of sense into them.
What allows others to remain so unrelenting in their refusal to take ownership for their behaviors? Sometimes it's something as simple as pride, in other instances it is your run of the mill denial and in some cases it's a lifetime of pathology that no amount of brow beating will budge.
It is infuriating to find ourselves once again unsatisfied with their response and understanding. So if our initial approach isn't working, what are we left with? Acceptance, that icky word that causes bile to rise in our throats and throws our ego into a tailspin.
Accept what exactly? That you most likely will never get that which you seek. That the person you are in conflict with does not have the ability to offer their remorse, no matter how flagrant the harm, because you can't get blood from a stone. That you have lost this battle, but not the war. That there might be grief that follows the acceptance as we disengage from the fight.
You see, we can get the validation we seek but it has to come from within at this juncture. We need to console and comfort that part of us that feels injured, much like we would a friend. When we find them in our inner world we may offer a hug or reassuringly say, "Of course that hurt. That was very unfair of them. I can understand why that might upset you. What do you need?" - or whatever conversation that part of you might find soothing. "Talk to myself?" you ask. Yes, you're doing it anyway why not make it a healthy and meaningful exchange.
No doubt your mind will lead you back into the throws of arguing, at least mentally, with the other person. When you find yourself in this fruitless endeavor I urge you cease the debate and once again seek to support yourself. It may take days, weeks or years but at the very least it is not in vain as we invest in ourselves and take the power to heal out the hands of others and take a firm grip on that which is ours.
Be well and happy.
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