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Monday, June 22, 2015

The End

 
There are some relationships in our life that reach this critical point of termination. I know because here I sit on Father's Day with no father to speak of, the same way Mother's Day passed for me a month earlier. It can prove to be one of the hardest decisions we have to make, saying goodbye, especially when it involves family. There is such a strong societal pressure to remain engaged with family no matter their questionable behaviors. Remaining family members turn a judgmental eye our way wondering why we are so dramatic and sensitive, code phrases for refusing to live in the denial, abuse and drama. Those of us that choose to disconnect from family members are silently frowned upon and charged quite frequently with not being loving individuals. We are told family is everything, but I'm here to tell you sometimes it's not.
 
"Sacrifice all in the name of family," ring the chants. But sometimes what we are sacrificing is ourselves, and that is not acceptable. Certainly no person, and therefore no relationship, is free of conflict and the occasional bumpy road. But, when the ride with another is more like a field trip through a war zone, it is time to disengage- no matter the title of their relationship to you. Parents, siblings and other close relatives are not exempt from treating us with respect, compassion and consideration. So many times the family dynamic excuses the abusive and disrespectful actions of family with a dismissive, "Well that's just how he/she is..." In my rule book, there are no excuses allowed.
 
Of course we all have quirks and idiosyncrasies that as loving family members we accept in those closest to us. What I'm referring to is derogatory, manipulative, abusive, demanding and condescending behaviors that leave us feeling attacked, hurt, confused and controlled. We dread seeing these people and don our emotional armor in preparation to be in their presence. This is not the true definition of family but is simply playing out of a role that was created most likely when we were children that we now continue to perpetuate as adults, not realizing that as adults we have the freedom to choose something different.
 
I'm not suggesting that you toss to the side each and every family member that irks you a bit. What I would like you to consider is the notion that you can attempt to have an adult conversation with the person that is creating a challenge in your life. Be honest with your needs and feelings. The goal of this is to be true to yourself, not to get the other to agree or even understand. The hope is that they love and respect you and your connection enough to develop a compromise that honors you both.
 
In all honesty, many times that doesn't happen and instead both parties are left feeling the need to further defend themselves as the pull of old patterns create continued strain. At that point, we are faced with a new choice- accept the situation and that person as it stands, or leave.
 
If we choose acceptance than we must not expect anything different from that individual or that relationship. The complaining must cease. That's tough as we can no longer play the role of victim to them or the drama because this is a conscious choice we made as an adult.
 
In choosing to leave we are not saying we have no love for the other person, but are actually choosing to love ourselves more. Many times it is an act of self preservation. It's a heart wrenching moment that is awash with self doubt and fantasies fed by the innocent hope for the miracle of change. With this choice we may be sacrificing family events, gatherings and holidays as we stand on the outside of what appears to be a tightly knit circle. It can be a lonely vantage point but never as painful as what we once tolerated and accepted as the norm.
 
I've come to understand that not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, some possess a time-line for their usefulness despite our longing for this not to be true. I've also come to understand that leaving a relationship is not only an act of self-love but is also loving towards the other person as well, most especially when they remain hurtful or abusive. In terminating our connection and refusing to tolerate the unkindness we are no longer feeding and supporting that other person's darkness and acting out. We cease being an enabler.
 
Of course friendships can fall under this same umbrella and they too might require a realistic assessment of how they are serving you, or not If we're doing the work to learn and grow as individuals, then it only makes sense that not all will follow our learning curve and it might be necessary to send them gratitude as you bid them a fond farewell, as all relationships serve a purpose and some come with an expiration date. Life changes and not all can, or should, remain the same.  
 
Be well and happy.
 

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