Assertion

Nothing strikes fear in people like the need to assert themselves while in communication with another. In fact, most people are left floundering because they truly don't know the skill of assertion. Most times the pendulum of expressing ourselves swings to a quiet resignation or out and out aggression. There is a middle ground to be had and its time we faced this anxiety producing skill head on.

Let's first address why there are times we sit cowering in a corner, unable to share our needs or opinions. Most folks freeze when the time comes to share their thoughts or desires. Sometimes its because they truly don't know what it is the wish to convey, they just know they feel uncomfortable. No one has ever asked them what it is they need and so, very few of us are skilled at identifying that for ourselves as we mature.

The freeze response is also supported by our society as a whole because we are often fed the propaganda that to have a desire that flies in the face of others is "selfish"; whereas the role of martyr and denying yourself, is heralded. Selfish has become a dirty word in our world, implying that anyone that has a degree of selfishness is comparable to a slithering, no-good snake. No one wants to be perceived in such a loathsome fashion and so thoughts and feelings are bottled up, the rumination of those thoughts and feelings leading to an explosive fermentation.

That's when the pendulum swings full force into aggression. The invalidated workings of our internal world can be contained no more and so they are let loose onto others, leaving a trail of destruction behind them and confirming that self expression is only for the troubled few.

So, what is the middle ground and how do we get there?

Let's discuss the term selfish. Indeed, there is a form of selfishness that one might consider undesirable. We've all seen it in action, felt its repercussions and have no doubt acted it out ourselves. This level of selfishness is performed with the complete exclusion of consideration of, or for, others. There is no room for empathy in this degree of selfishness.

The healthy version of being selfish takes into account how our actions might impact others, perhaps even clearly sharing our understanding of this. It is the intention behind this form of selfishness that sets it apart. It's not conveying an air of, "This is what I need and I don't care what you think." Instead it speaks volumes by saying " I understand that this might be uncomfortable for you and others, but this is what I need to take care of myself." It's about setting healthy boundaries and limits, not cutting someone off at the knees.

If we are able to take this first step, then we have made great accomplishments in preventing a nuclear explosion from our resentments. Things aren't allowed to fester but instead given a form of release. If and when we do experience anger, it is a very normal human emotion, then there are also assertive ways to articulate that without verbally assaulting another.

A very key step to assertively voicing our anger is to keep your mouth shut, at least momentarily until the rational part of our brain is able to participate. That's not to say you walk away in a cold silence, but instead assertively state, "I am too mad to talk right now. I will get back to you when I am calmer." That's when you exit and proceed to take an internal inventory.

Ask yourself, "What do I need?" Perhaps you need to feel appreciated. What does that look like to you? Is it something the other person says or can demonstrate? When you have some clarity it is then safe to return to your interaction to articulate what you've discovered.

It is always wise when having these types of discussions to use "I" statements. In communicating with another saying, "I felt (feeling) when or because..." and "I need..." is about taking ownership for your experience and is not part of the blame game. You know what that sounds like, it starts out with the phrase, "You made me feel..." and is about attacking and accusations. Also note, feelings are one word. Disappointed, sad or hurt are examples of emotions. Stating, "I feel that you..." and then continuing with a stream of words is not sharing our feeling but is instead conveying a thought.

Being assertive is not , I repeat not, about getting others to agree with us or approve of what we are sharing. The truth is they may very well disagree with us and not even understand it all . The goal in assertion is to respectfully share what is going on for you internally, that's all. You're simply honoring yourself, all the while realizing that the other person has their own desires and right to assertion as well.

While the skill of assertiveness take concerted effort, as it is a skill never demonstrated to many of us, the rewards that are reaped far out weigh the time it takes to hone its use. Assertiveness is an act of self love, compassion and respect - all of which you deserve.

Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account to read & follow this blog in the future. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)

Practice Makes Imperfect

After my blogs have been posted each week I go onto my website to give them a once over. In a few instances I've noticed errors in the text. I instantly get a clenching in my gut because it's not perfect, and it's there for all to see. My impulse is to dash back into the writings and rectify the flaws glaring in my work.

It's not that I made no effort prior to their posting to present them as shiny, new baubles. I read and re-read and proofread some more. I called in the assistance of the computer's technology to capture any of the scandalous flubs that slithered past my critical eye. The next day, I repeated the same systems check. I wanted my offerings to dazzle with perfection.

Come to find out, they were lacking some razzle to go with that dazzle. I wasn't perfect, nor were the steps I had put in place to contain the errant rebels that littered my writings, commonly know as mistakes. Oh, the frustration. "What to do?" I asked myself. The answer that came to me was shocking; let them stand.

"Why?" I wondered. Quite simple really, it demonstrates to others that I'm not the ever elusive "perfect" and perhaps that will give them permission to accept the same within themselves. That's not to say that we shouldn't make efforts to present our best, but when our end product sometimes falls short of our vision we can accept that imperfections are part of everyone's process each and every day. I've never met another that hasn't made a mistake, I'm confident in saying neither have you. How arrogant of us to believe that somehow we are an exception to that rule. How cruel we are to ourselves, judging and criticizing as we make attempts to deny what seems to be a universal truth, we all make mistakes.

Is there ever a time to attempt to correct our errors? Certainly, most especially if we've caused harm to another. In those instances we must make amends as best we can, the mistake has already been made, and set clear intentions to not repeat the same offense.

But if the inherent message or intention is intact, as in the case of my writings, why go back to correct a detail that has no consequence? To prove you're perfect? Well, we already know you're not; the secrets out. Even though there were some minor goofs in my previous blogs, it in no way affected what I was trying to get across to my readers. And so, I'm choosing to let them remain as is. Now you know I'm not perfect either, we're even.

What mistakes have you made that you are willing to let see the light of day, no longer cloaked in secrecy or shame? Perhaps you can allow them to exist as just that, a mistake, not a value statement that you're a mistake or somehow less than. Mistakes are something we do, not who we are. Our blunders are not meant for flogging or berating oneself. In this world in which we operate mistakes are some of our greatest teachers, guiding us into new lands of opportunities, growth and discoveries. And that, my friends, is true perfection.

Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account in order to follow and read this blog. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)

Pull Don’t Push

I’d like a show of hands, does anybody else besides me have fears, uncomfortable feelings or limiting beliefs? Just as I suspected, you’re all just as human as me. And if that is the case, you most likely run from or try to stymie the voice of those little buggers. The goal? Avoidance, and if we’re really lucky, temporary amnesia that they even have a designated space in our mind.

So we swat at and shove away those parts of us that prevent us from living our dream or full potential. “Don’t give them power!” we are instructed. They only way we can imagine to do so is to shove ‘em all off the cliffs of our conscious awareness. Push them away, until they can’t find their way home. But they always do, don’t they? It may take seconds or even months but inevitably they come to tap us on the shoulder once more and like Jack Nicholson in The Shining proclaim, “I’m baacck.”  In another vain attempt, we kick them to the curb and give our death stare as we shout, “Outta my way!” Round and round we go.

How can I unload these suckers, we wonder. I’m trying to ignore them. I’ve pushed them to the side, yet they continue to worm their way back into my heart and psyche. Might I suggest another approach is in order? It seems on logical as the old way hasn’t met with much success. I know it might rattle a few cages out there, but perhaps we should be pulling our personal nuisances towards us for a warm embrace or friendly 1:1.

I only suggest this seemingly farfetched approach because I’ve been the guinea pig already and I’m here to tell you that it works. It is quite the simple and handy little tool for efforts at personal growth and compassion.

The How-to:

- Identify whatever thought, emotion or unhealthy personal mantra is plaguing you.

-Now imagine how said issue(s) would manifest in physical form. It might take on the shape of a person, yourself or someone else, or it might just be a shape or color. It may appear as another creature, animal or physical object. Whatever it is that comes to you is just fine, there is no hard and fast rule here.

-Next, observe what the newly revealed vision needs and address that need. Does it need a hug, acceptance, kindness or a compassionate listening ear? Does it simply want to be seen and/or what does it want to say to you or teach you? Can you take a moment, it doesn’t need to be hours, to say, “I see you. I hear you. I feel you and I care.” This isn’t about holding onto, but kindly holding.

-Repeat as necessary.

Ta, dah, you’re done.

You’re not left breathless from your latest sprint from the demons that reside within. What you are left with is a greater calm and a discovery that all those icky things were not as scary as you’d imagined and that you possess the skills to care for yourself. This, my friends is one of the many ways to take your power back from the chaos. You may find that some require further explorations but this is a much more mindful and loving approach to all parts that are you.

Give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose but stress, and let me know how you make out.

Be well and happy.

(One order of business: Per Google you will now be required to have a Google account in order to read & follow this blog. I hope you consider doing just that! Thanks.)

Pull Don’t Push

I’d like a show of hands, does anybody else besides me have fears, uncomfortable feelings or limiting beliefs? Just as I suspected, you’re all just as human as me. And if that is the case, you most likely run from or try to stymie the voice of those little buggers. The goal? Avoidance, and if we’re really lucky, temporary amnesia that they even have a designated space in our mind.

So we swat at and shove away those parts of us that prevent us from living our dream or full potential. “Don’t give them power!” we are instructed. They only way we can imagine to do so is to shove ‘em all off the cliffs of our conscious awareness. Push them away, until they can’t find their way home. But they always do, don’t they? It may take seconds or even months but inevitably they come to tap us on the shoulder once more and like Jack Nicholson in The Shining proclaim, “I’m baacck.”  In another vain attempt, we kick them to the curb and give our death stare as we shout, “Outta my way!” Round and round we go.

How can I unload these suckers, we wonder. I’m trying to ignore them. I’ve pushed them to the side, yet they continue to worm their way back into my heart and psyche. Might I suggest another approach is in order? It seems on logical as the old way hasn’t met with much success. I know it might rattle a few cages out there, but perhaps we should be pulling our personal nuisances towards us for a warm embrace or friendly 1:1.

I only suggest this seemingly farfetched approach because I’ve been the guinea pig already and I’m here to tell you that it works. It is quite the simple and handy little tool for efforts at personal growth and compassion.

The How-to:

- Identify whatever thought, emotion or unhealthy personal mantra is plaguing you.

-Now imagine how said issue(s) would manifest in physical form. It might take on the shape of a person, yourself or someone else, or it might just be a shape or color. It may appear as another creature, animal or physical object. Whatever it is that comes to you is just fine, there is no hard and fast rule here.

-Next, observe what the newly revealed vision needs and address that need. Does it need a hug, acceptance, kindness or a compassionate listening ear? Does it simply want to be seen and/or what does it want to say to you or teach you? Can you take a moment, it doesn’t need to be hours, to say, “I see you. I hear you. I feel you and I care.”

-Repeat as necessary.

Ta, dah, you’re done.

You’re not left breathless from your latest sprint from the demons that reside within. What you are left with is a greater calm and a discovery that all those icky things were not as scary as you’d imagined and that you possess the skills to care for yourself. This, my friends is one of the many ways to take your power back from the chaos. You may find that some require further explorations but this is a much more mindful and loving approach to all parts that are you.

Give it a try, you’ve nothing to lose but stress, and let me know how you make out.

Be well and happy.